I suddenly remember one moment when my Indian buddy told me at my birthday, "You're not getting older, but you're just a little closer to death," and it was somewhat stabbing my chest cause yeah, what to celebrate when you're actually getting closer to death? Since then, I never really hype my birthday.
A moment later I look back into myself then see how I'd been afraid too much of everything, like every-single-thing. And another moment I realized that I have changed so much than I used to be.
I used to have that typical thought to please every single one I know and even I meet, to look good in their eyes, and even to be the way they want me to be. Until I started my uni-life that led me to know people who are careless. No, it's not carelessness about their own life but rather not to care about what other people think of them. Until I started to have experienced a whole new world that I've never been to. Until I read what I have never imagined I'm gonna be interested in. Until I come at the point that I realize each of us simply live our own life which has nothing to do with others'. It's nothing like my life is better/worse than yours. It's only a matter of understanding in seeing the ups and downs after all. The hard time I've been through and the happy moments I've had are only in a way God tells me how life wouldn't feel happy unless I've encountered sadness. And so it's just an understanding to embrace every single moment that happens.
I look back again to myself, and then I know that changes are persistent. Maybe I think I've changed much but it doesn't stop there. Most probably because time doesn't stop lingering that always forces me to deal with everything I'm facing. I no longer see myself as passionate as I was. Instead, I become more reckless and choose to let everything flow the way it does. I don't know which is better tho.
Most of moments I think about my existence which leads me to question how much I've been beneficial to my surroundings. Then I feel insecure when I find that I've been doing nothing instead. I still can't help to think: do I live the life I want? Have I done things I supposed to? Is my life worth living? But yeah, they say it's one typical phase that people will encounter when they reach early 20s.
She walks a lot. Sometimes alone and some other time accompanied by friends or strangers. Yet, in most of the time, she is accompanied by her own thoughts. Thinking what so essential about life.
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